| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2008|10:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed :-P | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Love you 'til the end | ] |
So, tonight I was watching PS I love You with my sister and parents. I think that is my new favorite movie. And I think I would like to find someone like the character played by Gerald Butler... cool accent, wicked sense of humor, absolutely head over heels for his wife... Who could ask for more?
I've been doing a lot of thinking. I could handle being what some people consiter "poor" if I was with someone I truly loved. Mom and Dad probably wouldn't be all that happy, but then they would ideally like for me to find someone who can take care of me. Which I am not all that sure that I want. I mean, being able to raise my kids, that would be nice, but I could do that. I could work full time and still be home with my kids. It wouldn't be easy, but then what in life ever is. And I think if I told him, he would try to make it so that I could... but then I look at some of the little kids I know, and I really wonder, do I really want kids? I mean, I could just be an aunt, step mom, etc and not have to be a mean parent. Well I would, part of the time, but not all the time... But I really do think I would like to, I mean, I think it would be fun to raise a family. But not right now. Right now I have to pay off loans, and actually find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me :P meh, I have time. Plus if I get too impatient, I'll barrow friends' kids. Shannon and Trisket really need to get on that :p
So that is my pondering of the night. btw, I have been updating, I just haven't made it public :P Yeah, I'm mean, but w/e. Have a great night guys :* |
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| Suicide |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|08:42 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Alabama -- Angels among Us | ] |
It's funny how your thinking changes with time and experience. When I was first exposed to suicide it scared me. Perhaps it was more a case of HOW I was exposed to it and why that made my reaction to the subject so... extreme, I suppose is the best way of phrasing it. But then again it might also have been my age as well. After all, what twelve-year-old wouldn't be upset to learn that their best friend felt that life was too painful, too hard, too... awful to continue living? At the time it felt unreal and scary for me. How could my friend even begin to seriously think about such an awful thing? To this very day I cannot imagine my life without this friend. They say that each person makes a ripple in the waters of our lives and memories; some just more extreme then others... All I know is I still shiver and feel sick at the knowledge of how close I came to losing him. But I digress...
My friend survived. My next exposure was in class at school and in the books I read (often to escape reality). Where at 12 I thought of suicide with dread, similar to a young child fearing the darkness of their closet or basement, it had now become something real that everyone could prevent. A sin for sure, yet the act of a person in a great deal of pain. An act that if prevented, the person would be grateful and ultimately be glad they did not succeed. Life is something wonderful, a gift, we have only to remind them of this.
My junior year of college I took Mental Health. I had an on/off relationship of sorts with a guy I had gone to high school with. He had been the star football player, and had graduated the year before me. In high school I fel that he was too cool for me as he was a football player and I was a music geek. Yet when I contacted him after graduation... I found out that I had not been nearly as invisible as I had thought. Perhaps it was merely the fact that he had noticed me despite our differences... in any case, he was to graduate that spring with a degree in Psychology, a subject I found to be too abstract for my tastes. Somehow, one night while talking online we got onto to subject of suicide. His comment to me frustrated and amazed me. He said if he or anyone else really wanted to commit suicide, nothing anyone could do would stop that from happening. This went against everything I had thought and believed. Life is something everyone likes except in the case of a person severely depressed, in which case that person needs help and it is our honor bound duty to give/get them that help.
A few months later I was working in the ICU and a patient was admitted because of a four drug overdose. Over the next few weeks I assisted a group of highly skilled and gifted people to help fight for her life. We fought for an entire month and a half before she died from complications of the drugs she had taken in a 'valiant' effort to end her existence. She was the first person to truly make me question my previous beliefs on the subject. The look in that woman's eyes when she woke up and found out that she was not in fact a part of the afterlife... It changed me forever.
There was a time when I believe that people who commit or tried to commit suicide wanted someone to save them; a guardian angel of sorts, to offer them hope and light in a world that had become dark. I still believe that most people are that way. That they need angels to help them and I want to be one of those angels. However, I have also come to understand that not everyone wants an angel, not everyone wants to be saved. And as sad as it is, some people really do just want to die; and no angels with all their light and hope can or will save them. So my football jock friend was right. If someone really wants to die, no power that is can stop them. HOWEVER, for every person as focused on their own demise as that, there are a lot more who are trying to reach out, who need an angel to offer hope and light. People who NEED to know that some where in this cynical dark world we live in, angels do exist, people do care, and idealism really is a reality.
That is why I am a nurse, or will be soon. I AM an angel for those who need me and want to believe that life can be better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|08:52 am] |
THE FINAL
INSPECTION
The Marine stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now, Marine,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?"
The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the Marine waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
"Step forward now, you Marine,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."
~Author Unknown~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2006|10:26 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Spare | ] |
Questions I have:
~ WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?!
I understand that she is a psycho, I got that when she contacted me out of the blue. I get that, what I don't get is why you are allowing her to affect whatever it is that we have, relationship/friendship/whatever. All you would have needed to do is let me know what was going on, I would have understood, I have crazy friends too. If we continue hanging out you will probably meet them. But the fact is that if I wasn't going to be able to make it on time or at all, I WOULD CALL AND LET YOU KNOW! that is what you do, it is a sign of respect. I blew off my uncle, b/c he had come up to visit us so that I could hang out with you. I sat there for half an hour waiting for you! Don't I deserve the respect of a call, hey I can't make it...?! And when you say you are going to call me, freaking keep your word!
I told you I would call around nine, and I did. I couldn't talk, but I still called to let you know that I wasn't blowing you off, Don't I deserve that same respect?
~ What do you feel for me? Are you only interested in being friends, do you want to be more? What?! I don't need a boyfriend. I would LIKE one, and I would like him to be you b/c you are one of the the only guys I have met who actually meets a lot of my desires in a guy, but I don't need you. I deserve better then to be left hanging.
I am scared as hell. I am not good at relationships. I'm just not. I want to skip the first part b/c it scares me. I don't like people knowing a lot about me, but I have to trust that what I tell them they will not use against me.
I like you, a lot. But I am scared, and you are not helping. You go from calling me every night to calling me every third night, then you stand me up. What am I supposed to take from that? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|10:30 pm] |
We spoke for a long time last night, so I have to wonder what you think.
Today it seemed that you were interested, even after learning about a few of my idiocycracies.
Yet I wonder.
They say that unless you trust others, you yourself cannot be trusted, but I have been given so many reason not to trust.
Am I to beleive what I am told by you and not what they tell me? Or visa versa? Which is true?
What makes you different then them?
Just because others think you would be good for me?
I really don't know. I wish this were easier.
I wish life were easier. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2006|11:20 am] |
You tell me that I am never the same as you,
that I do not feel as you do,
that never do I act like I do.
You don't realize that I yearn for the same things as you,
that I ache for your arms around me,
for your lips against mine.
You don't understand that I am waiting for you to tell me,
to make me yours, to take me as yours
for you to tell me that you want me, to show me that you mean what you say.
Take me, claim me, make me yours.
Please.
Touch me, hold me, break down every wall
that stands between us.
Do not tell me why we cannot be together,
Do not tell me why you cannot see me,
Do not tell me why it could not work,
Do not tell me why you worry.
If we work together, we can make it work.
If we stand together, it will work.
If we want to, we can accomplish anything we want to.
But I cannot do this on my own.
I will wait, but for how long?
How long will you make me wait for you?
How long will you make me wait for you? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2006|09:37 pm] |
I like it when you run your hands along my hips.
When you run your fingers through my hair.
When you put your hands on my shoulders.
I like it when you kiss my forehead,
When you hold my hand,
When you put your arm around my shoulder.
I like to sleep in your arms,
to wake up to your smile,
To hear the pride in your voice when you introduce me as your girl.
I like to take the opposite side just so that we can argue.
To drive you mad until you don't know whether to kiss me or shake me.
To try to get you to see me for me.
I like to swim naked,
to take long bathes
and dump cold water on you while you are in the shower.
I like to tease you and tickle you.
To touch you and taste you.
To feel your body agaist my skin.
I like to jump you/scare you so that we can comfort each other.
To lay in your arms and stare up at the stars
To talk about everything and nothing, like time stops existing.
I like to kiss your lips and face,
to feel your heart race in time with mine,
to know that you feel what I am feeling in that moment.
I like it when you come up behind me and kiss my behind my ears.
To have you wrap me up in your arms,
to know that I am not alone.
I like to feel that you are with me and love me.
I like you. |
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| L |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|12:11 am] |
You ask me if it is okay that you like my bestfriend in the world.
You ask me if I mind if you pursue him.
You ask me if I think he likes you...
Why do you do this to me. Why do you make me choose?
Why must I hide what I feel from the world, and allow others to profess their dreams while I hide mine in the shadows.
Yes I mind, I love him.
I always have and probably always will.
I wish he felt the same, but he doesn't.
I get one story from you and another from him.
which of you do I beleive?
You, who would steal him from me when you know that i love him, or him that has hurt me? |
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